Crabs, Calamari and America!

For a Friday night treat, I offer to you the Coconut Crab!

This tasty morsel hails from the forest areas along the coasts of islands in the Indian and Pacific oceans. That's where the Titanic went down. Jack, don't let go! Don't ever let go! Whoa, history lesson folks!

Think of these buggers as big ol' Hermit Crabs! Except a lot bigger! They can grow up to 9 pounds without hitting the 'roids but they've been recorded growing to 30 pounds! Since I'm super strong, I can curl a 30 pound dumb bell. That's before I got kicked out of the gym for being naughty. (Hey, who knew?)

Anyway, 30 pounds! That's a lot of calamari! Except they're not squids! Wow, you're learning a lot! Anyway, calamari are fish, not crabs.

Ha ha, don't worry: they won't bite! They can pinch though. They have super strong pinchers that can crack coconuts. And they can smell! But you know what's scarier? They can climb vertically up trees! Now that would be spooky if you're camping in a forest on an island! Imagine that!

I've only gone camping a few times but never have I seen a monster crab with claws of death! I saw a hawk a few times while camping but those big birds never thought to drag me to their lair of vice! Get it, vice! They have pinchers! That's funny!

Speaking of calamari, I'm hungry. But for those of you who know me, you know I'm always hungry! Seriously, do you think that's news! It's not in the Washington Post!

More importantly, I'm watching Smallville now on the television. It's fun! Oh, Clark, what will you do next!

Until next time, America!